Healing through Art

"Winter Bud" 9/15/14

Art has been my salvation during my depressed years from high school to college. I could not directly express what was happening inside me at that time. However, from writing poetry, painting, dancing free-form, and humming a song to making a collage, doing recycled art, playing a little bit of piano & drums, and baking; somehow the silenced parts of me found their voice through these forms even if I am not talented in these areas. I wrote phrases & words that fit closely to my thoughts & feelings, which I did not understand myself at that time; closed my eyes and danced alone to a melody I could resonate to; splashed colors at random and found their form on paper, cloth, or clay; spontaneously cut words & pictures putting them together as if a puzzle has been completed; baked a comforting sweet; sang in my room even when I was out of tune; played “Canon” on the organ even if it was not perfect; and just banged the drums to the intro of “Green Tinted ‘60’s Mind” then shifted to the chorus of “Selling the Drama” even when my drumming was broken & indiscriminate. Doing these activities were not only cathartic, but also fulfilling, as if in those moments my soul was free from the confines of Depression.

Art is a scary word to many people, especially to grown-ups, which is probably due to an academic or technical notion that art has to fit in a certain criteria. But when I was immersed in creating, it did not matter whether these were pleasing to others. What mattered was these were beautiful to me and I felt good doing them. On one hand, it is a bonus if someone took the time to admire your rough creation. This served as a validation for me that I existed – that I was actually alive. After recovering from my inner crisis, creating became an even more blissful activity and my heart was so open it could embrace anything afterwards.

My soul started to heal through making art, since through imaginative means the invisible, unnamed, and uncontrollable stirrings inside me became a tangible piece that I could simply observe, name, and hold. In the same way, I felt as if I was able to lift myself from a drowning pool and instead, watch the muddy water that previously engulfed me. Doing art has enabled me to entangle and examine the knots behind my exploding & burrowing emotions. For instance, discovering that I was too engrossed in my own misery that I neglected other significant people in my life during that period, and reawakening within me the gratitude to life and to people who have inspired me in every little way. A realization of my own failures and practicing gratitude led me then to learn forgiveness, as well. It was also through forgiving others that I learned to apologize and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt & offended. Thus, the people whom I once thought of as a curse were really bringing me a gift, an opportunity to see my fears and blind spots. Through them, I was able to see the monsters that I needed to heal within my Soul and the thorns that I needed to pull out from my heart.

Looking back, I did a little bit of every art form not to develop a talent. For one, I could not stick long to a certain form – not long enough to learn a talent. Rather, my Soul simply had to express through these areas to provide an outlet of my anxieties during that period, in random forms according to how I felt at a certain moment. It was through this healing process, together with a decent company of high school & college friends, that I was able to seek & reconnect with my Spirit. Yet, healing is continuous and does not stop here. Every now & then, amidst the insanities of marriage, motherhood, and other responsibilities, I still need to play with words, colors, and recipes to maintain my sanity and to tame my human heart so that I may be able to listen & express the higher voice from my higher Self.

--- Kunay 9/14